Do I feel Christmas blues because I am lonely? Or because I am getting old?
As I gazed at our Christmas tree, I could not help but feel sentimental. I was once a child who yearned every Christmas because it was the happiest time of the year. I am always eager for every food to eat, every gift to receive, and every family to celebrate with.
“It is once the happiest times.” I don’t know what happened, but the spark of excitement wasn’t in me anymore.
As I age, the spirit of Christmas slowly withers. I think it is because I continuously see the world from a different perspective; shaped by reality. Our Christmas tradition every year is still the same; the green and red colors glisten beautifully on the walls, food that is made to fill up our stomachs and feel its warmth, the conversations with each of my family filled with smiles and laughter, and most especially everybody counts down to midnight anticipating the gifts that we prepared to share with others.
That was home, a soft feeling like snow. I could never ask for more back then.
I’m the one who changed, not the Christmas spirit.
Time is like a moving train, it will not go back to the same track as perfectly as it is — but I can’t help but feel nostalgic about how things were before. I miss the feeling of innocence as a kid; no one warned me how messed up this place is where I am right now.
Before, I anticipated the treats inside the Christmas socks. But now, I await for my sufferings to reach their conclusion — hoping that life would also treat me something sweet.
Don’t get me wrong, I still look forward to celebrating Christmas with my loved ones. I just can’t help but think about the aftermath — the reality that there are still circumstances I need to conquer.
I have to wait another year for Christmas; to temporarily feel whole.
Maybe because I’m getting older; aware of the responsibilities and priorities I have to weigh in. Unlike back then, life is just a playground for a child.
I miss her, to be honest.
Nonetheless, despite the Christmas blues, what matters is I will celebrate it wholeheartedly with the people who constantly stay with me every year.
Christmas may be a momentum, but it is meant to remind us that we deserve to feel the love and serenity after the deafening silence of survival.
Most importantly, may we be reminded that it is His birth that anything can be possible to overcome — we shouldn’t worry anymore as He will guide us towards another prosperous journey.
It may not be the best year, but we deserve to take a breath and let the rest of the universe take the lead toward the next chapter you’ll unveil.
The icy wind caressing our skin and the full moon illuminating the night sky is a perfect time to embrace every emotion lingering in our system — making us feel alive and human.
This season is worth celebrating. Every hue of Christmas is every ‘you’ meant to be seen and felt.
The younger me is still in here, and she’s cheering me up to celebrate Christmas with her. She is excited to see the dress I’ll wear and the gifts I’ll be thankful for.
Everything for her is worthwhile.
