Whenever I view the Instagram stories of my classmates and schoolmates in high school, I always admire their college life. I envy how they would always study in cafes or libraries. How they attend the concerts of their favorite artists, band, or K-pop group. They would go to parties and social gatherings. Or maybe, they would travel abroad to rewind or just a requirement to their program. Others are enjoying their staycation with their family or friends. They would always go to places I’d never visited and dreamed of experiencing.
While I’m just here, studying while worrying about my family’s hardships, worrying about where to find money to sustain my studies, worrying that my parents are worrying about how they struggle to pay bills, worrying that I may end up unsuccessful and just barely living.
Worrying after worrying.
I wondered, when is it my time? All the people around me seem to be celebrating big wins. I saw some of them face big challenges, but now they’re living the life they wanted.
Oftentimes, I drowned myself in studying to distract my mind from being anxious, to stop belittling myself, and to stop thinking that we were unlucky or what.
“Maybe I should be a working student? But it would compromise my studies, right? No, others could do it, why couldn’t I try it? On second thought, I may end up sick juggling both work and studies or even sacrifice one of them.”
These thoughts keep circling my mind, undecided about what to do. That’s why I always found myself sighing in my sleep because I know tomorrow is another survival.
“I had a long time learning to live this life, isn’t it enough?”
Sometimes, I’m starting to get tired and feel a bit burnt out when things start to outweigh my passion and perseverance. I just think “Who am I doing this for?”
My parents would always remind me that my studies are for my future.
All of us are striving and learning, to survive the degree we’re pursuing. We have different articles yet to be told that our social media posts and stories are covering. No one knows how you struggled to sleep from loads of tasks. No one knows you’re still thinking about your dream university you didn’t get into. No one knows that you’re on the verge of to shifting another program.
No one knows each other’s struggles — all of us have silent battles.
Hence, every struggle I encounter is proof that I’m still trying. That I will eventually get there. Throughout my journey, there are a lot of experiences I’m thankful for — taking risks helped me gather strength and improve myself to keep moving forward.
I’m far from who I was years ago.
The hurricanes may keep coming but it would not hinder me from finishing what I’ve started. Seeing the people around me who gave me wisdom and guidance makes me assured that I’m privileged already; they’re full of love and support. I’m a 3rd-year college student now, and I’m slowly getting there. To everyone who’s reading this, we will make it.
I hope in another life or maybe in an alternate universe, we are privileged enough to live our ideal campus life.
