“Like the moon, I want to live in peace.”
I’ve created my own fantasy to be away from the things that were deafening because socializing and putting up different personalities is very tiresome.
In high school, I always looked forward to being popular — everybody’s friend. I’m never well-known, just a well-behaved student abiding by the rules from home or school.
There are times I imagined myself to be walking down the hallway or the cafeteria with the “popular kids”. Or maybe, someone would greet me just because they admired whatever characteristic that made them idolize me.
I never get to experience that.
The reason? Because I’m scared to make the first move. I keep my circle closed and have large walls surrounding me to keep myself protected — a prisoner of my ghosts. I’m the only one who has access to find me in vulnerable times.
But that circle itself wrecked me into pieces.
It backlash, it reflected. I somehow realized there is more than this circle of mine. I restricted myself to glance the path ahead; due to what I always believed in.
“The things that made you comfortable are the things that keep you safe.”
When I entered college, I changed myself. I became active in socializing to gather friends or acquaintances and let people see my potential. I appeared to be the catalyst of my self-esteem. Being proactive, always volunteering to be the leader, and sharing whatever knowledge I have always satisfies me.
Every “thank you” filled my heart with joy and happiness knowing that I’ve become people’s light — their savior in times of crisis and the dilemmas they encountered.
Because I have confidence that the blessings, the talents, and the skills I have are meant to be shared.
But if I’m the savior, if I’m the leader, who can I look up to?
Who’s going to save me?
When things started to collapse; friends slipped away without closure and people’s trust in me smoked out ; I was left dumbfounded. Questions filled up my mind — the subconscious talk with myself emerged again like I was arrested for being an anti-hero or something.
“If I didn’t start the drama, am I the drama?”
Several incidents led me to this day; leaving everyone oblivious about my life. The series of chaos continuously resurfaces like flashbacks at night that I daydream about it. Did I regret it? Surprisingly, no.
Because it leads me here to surrender with peace; to embrace and live with it.
Dealing with a complex journey made me become a burnout. I found myself engulfed in flames — lifeless, with no will to persevere that socializing is great.
It just brought me madness. It reawaken me that I don’t need to fit in.
I can choose my peace.
In life, some people push themselves because of pressure. The immense amount of pressure detaches us from who we truly are.
You don’t have to force yourself to go to that bar just because your classmates are enjoying it. You don’t have to overthink whether to buy a brand new iPhone just because the lives of the people you follow are syncing in colors from the photos they post. You don’t have to be friends with them if they’re making you uncomfortable.
You don’t have to. Nobody forces you to do it.
You’re the only one who constantly thinks it.
Remember, we set up our barriers and boundaries. You don’t have to adjust it to people who don’t deserve it. It should be protected, it should be cared for. Have freedom to live your life the way you want it to flow. It will satisfy you despite if you’re alone. Stroll around, read a book, travel, study again, or sleep all day. It doesn’t matter, it will ease you from the burdensome and vast world.
The only one who can save you from the drowning madness is you.
Amongst everything, choose peace, live with peace.
Be in peace.
